Babble

New roads. That's my theme. Always the new road.

I played the rocknroll game. Two aspects. One is intensity. The other is pleasure.

Intensity is a macho sort of contest. The violation of taboo. Both the good and bad side of Nietzsche.

Nietzsche pretty much bragged about being man enough to see the Truth....and this "truth" was that there was no truth. But that's both paradoxical and oversimplified.

Nietzsche is riddled with absurdity, contradictions. Which is a virtue as much as a fault. N is a spiderweb. You've got to think yourself out of him. Beyond him. And he himself played this same game. I still think he's a great man. A bit of a maniac.

1. I don't believe that humans are selfish at the core.
2. Not in the usual hyper-cynical way.
3. I believe that cynical selfishness is a defense mechanism, a pose.
4. This pose is justified by the hypocrisy that inspires it.
5. Cynicism is a machete. Chop it all down. Start from scratch.
6. A boy feels lied to. The pain inspires him to assume that it's ALL lies.
7. The boy is right, too. In many ways.
8. The rich en masse if not in particular are happy to see him die on a foreign field to protect their markets.
9. The rich man needs a hand in his factory. The rich man needs a clerk.
10. But the poor man is not exactly an angel.
11. What socialism sentimentally denies is that some humans are BETTER than others.
12. Yes, environment is a HUGE part of this.
13. We LEARN our habits.
14. Education ISN'T FREE.
15. Parents are the primary examples. And then we have schools, public schools.
16. Not everyone WANTS to learn what must be learned to make oneself MENTALLY valuable to other humans.
17. In the in, it's much more difficult to be a doctor than a stockboy.
18. If we had free education for all, and I mean free medical school, free law school, THEN we would have less illusion on the matter.
19. Only a small percentage of the poor would use such an opportunity.
20. Why?
21. We are indeed status seeking beings, but there are many ways to claim status.
22. It's easier to adopt some myth.
23. This is the allure of rocknroll.
24. This is the allure of religion.
25. This is the allure of magic.
26. All of these things are based on faith.
27. One proves nothing except to one's self.
28. This is also called faith.
29. All of us live by faith. But some moreso than others.
30. The Rocknroll man can accuse the Medschool student of lacking faith.
31. And to some degree he's right.
32. But the med student can accuse the Rocknroll man of Bullshit, Vanity, Bluff.
33. And the med student is right.
34. Most of Rocknroll is a bluff.
35. But the Rolling Stones are richer than any doctor.
36. If one can SELL one's rocknroll, one is playing a different game.
37. But most people can't.
38. Most of rocknroll is a bluff....and it functions just like a religion.
39. The rock-boy is a legend in his own mind.
40. This is a beautiful bluff.
41. And what we believe IS our reality, as long as we truly believe it.
42. But rocknroll doesn't age well.
43. This is where the overdose comes in.
44. This is where the 20 gauge shotgun comes in.
45. And all this talk of rocknroll can also be applied to the writer boy, the writer who makes no money for his writing, who perhaps does not even TRY to sell his writing.
46. I'm not denying that artistic genius is often beyond such salesmenship.
47. I'm not pissing on that.
48. I am speaking from a place between the two worlds.
49. I know the Rock Bluff intimately. It's still a part of me.
50. But at 33, I see the need for new roads.
51. I have always felt the need for new roads.
52. Keep learning. Keep growing. Keep being born. Keep refashioning that persona.
53. But it was never work. It was high holy pleasure for me to LEARN.
54. The 1 and the 0. The 1 is self-esteem, confidence, what one IS.
55. The 0 is what one is BECOMING. The 0 is a mouth that devours influence.
56. The 0 is the orifice.
57. The exaggerated macho pose is the pose of being all 1 and no 0.
58. "Look at me, Mom. I am nothing but a giant DICK." I am perfect and eternal, just as I am.
59. But this is always bullshit, even if it's a good feeling.
60. Only fools waste their time being impressed by such a shallow act.
61. All real society and all real friendship is based on Openness, curiosity, the feminine element.
62. A man craves the Universal. So does the woman. But I will speak from the viewpoint I know best.
63. A man wants PERSONAL greatness and achievement, yes. He wants to be Number Fucking One.
64. But he wants to be RECOGNIZED as such.
65. He wants to be declared the winner of a fair fight.
66. This requires a field of competition where the rules have been agreed on.
67. Something like Rocknroll is complicated in this respect.
68. Shitty bands becomes rich and famous.
69. So money is not proof in the realm of art.
70. Art history (music, painting, etc.) is FULL of stories of neglected genius.
71. But "genius" is still just a matter of taste, of consensus.
72. Still, here is my personal opinion...
73. If no one but your friends/bandmates/girlfriend embraces your music, it's probably faulty in some way.
74. We live in a world of commercials that sell us a cheap version of individualism. Consumer choice is their bluff.
75. They sell us flattery.
76. Unfortunately it works. On many.
77. We can "go our own way" all we like.
78. But what we like is being liked.
79. Take away the potential audience and only the true composers are left.
80. The real artist LOVES FORM.
81. I suspect that all humans are a mix of this "real artist" and the usual vanity.
82. But I think the "real artist" creates the form not for applause but because he/she wants this form to exist.
83. And of course there is a simple pleasure in playing with form.
84. I realized long ago that I wasn't really a composer.
85. My natural form was THOUGHT. Music was something to think about.
86. Music is a collision of mathematical form and sensual form. This makes it especially fascinating.
87. I still consider myself to have a good ear and a decent voice, but this doesn't make me a composer.
88. A rocknroll band can be great without a real composer in its ranks.
89. Because rocknroll is absurdly and beautifully simple.
90. If you want to see how simple algebra really is, study calculus.
91. If you want to see how simple rocknroll really is, study classical music.
92. But SIMPLE WORKS.
93. Party music is rightfully simple.
94. Give them ALWAYS a BEAT.
95. Dress up this beat in one of the classic harmonic progressions.
96. Add some tasteful lead.
97. It seems to me that rocknroll is more about taste than anything else.
98. A certain amount of technique and grace is necessary for greatness, of course, but the essence is just a feel for it.
99. To know it when one hears it.
100. To not waste time playing shit.
101. To think of the band as a unit, a balanced organism.

102. I got tired of the theatrics. The same small field of battle.
103. Who was I trying to convince?
104. I had already convinced myself.
105. I already had a good woman, good friends.
106. At some point, it's almost embarrassing. To be another seeker after attention, applause.
107. And yet this is a natural.
108. So it's a matter of sublimation.
109. We don't want just anyone's applause.
110. Another problem: the market is flooded.
111. This applies to writing books, too.
112. We are drowning in theatrics of our fellow humans.
113. Look anywhere. A show awaits you.
114. Compulsive showmen. That's us.
115. I studied philosophy. Good stuff.
116. I wanted something beyond the usual chatter, the usual gossip.
117. I am not above the usual chatter and gossip. Part of me is exactly on that level.
118. But indeed, another part of me is elsewhere.
119. I assume this is true for everyone.
120. Even writing this paper...I could have done this yesterday, or last year.
121. Why bother?
122. I've got my entertainments. They have theirs.
123. But perhaps I think the books that I read are better than the books that others read?
124. And perhaps they feel the same.
125. So we look around for cultural friendships, for shared experience.
126. It's one of my long-term mild frustrations that I don't bump into anyone that has dove in to the same general pond.
127. But such is life. And mine is good.
128. I look around these days, reading about all the crazy mathematics, all the programming languages, all the etc.,
129. Where should I fit in? The burden of choice.
130. I want to contribute. I am a mortal man.
131. I can't take EVERY road.
132. I wish I COULD. I despise my own limitations. I despise my mortality.
133. Yes, I want to know everything.
134. I want to be as much of a God as a human can manage.
135. And we can't get far.
136. And it's a bit absurd, these high hopes.
137. I hate buying shit, because I usually regret it.
138. Money is time. To spend money is often to throw away time.
139. Let's not talk about you. And let's not talk about me.
140. Let's talk about what is above and around the both of us.
141. But this is what you and I are made of. To talk about it is to talk about us.
142. The danger lies in dwelling on the small self. The face, the mask, the lie.
143. And many a man has told the truth in order to practice deception.
144. What is "truth"?
145. There are facts: I saw Jane at the store this morning.
146. There are myths. "I'm the son of God."
147. Here's a classic myth: "I am the Truth."
148. Jesus said that.
149. Was this the truth? Is it true he was the Truth?
150. There's a German quote that goes something like this:
151. When I here the word culture, I load my rifle.
152. Well, when I hear the word Freedom, I look around for cages.
153. And when I hear the word "truth" I become twice as skeptical.
154. And when they tell me they aren't a bum, I'm pretty sure they are.
155. What we say is a naked confession of that which we think needs to be said.
156. All of us are more naked than we would like to be...
157. Except we sometimes exhibitionists.
158. A Frenchman once said that we can more eagerly forgive those who fail to entertain us than those whom we fail to entertain.
159. Now that is a brutal line.
160. Here's another gem:
161. "He who despises himself still respects himself as one who despises...."
162. Does it matter who said that? Does it add authority to the line?
163. One of my favorite writers opened a book with that sort of attitude.
164. He thought the thoughts could speak for themselves. Enough with all this academic idolatry.
165. I have quoted in many cases to honor my influences. But perhaps I was also borrowing the glamour of their names.
166. What is glamour?
167. "The happiness of being envied."
168. Envy me. Admire me. Desire me.
169. A man once said that humans are above the animals because we desire to be desired. We desire not simply food, but recognition.
170. A cynic might say this is just a spin on chimpanzee social structure.
171. That cynic might be right.
172. But the chimps aren't as good at bluffing.
173. A human can be poor, old, unliked, and consider himself a god.
174. I prefer the proud to the self-pitying.
175. But who asked me?
176. The young proud man is an expert at self-pity.
177. A cynic might say that human excellence means nothing.
178. That all of us die, and all of us are forgotten.
179. I suppose the cynic is right.
180. I can't logically justify the pursuit of "greatness."
181. I can't justify "deep thinking."
182. What makes any kind of thinking "deep"?
183. And yet we know it when we experience it.
184. We value it. We just do.
185. Some more than others.